things i think

💭

i bet birds see planes and think, "damn, that's a big bird”

a motorcycle cop pulled me over for not wearing a seatbelt

i would be healthier if weekends didn’t exist

unemployment jokes don’t work either

nobody puts baby in the dumpster

"i'm the least racist person you know" pleaded the most racist person you know

please fill out your basic information but I'm like "my name, date of birth, address, and number ain't fukn BASIC"

why does Flo from Progressive need an apron to sell car insurance

my Bitmoji is more attractive than me

everyone needs to go to therapy

maybe six feet ain’t so far down

blind stock trader sees return on investment

metaphorically speaking, of course

you automatically turn 40 when you tuck your t-shirt into your jeans

kid napping at playground

if you’re blind and got offended reading that blind joke, you’re not blind

wait, kid wasn’t napping!

marriage is just about finding somebody you can get fat with

kid’s dead.

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