things i think

💭

i bet birds see planes and think, "damn, that's a big bird”

a motorcycle cop pulled me over for not wearing a seatbelt once

i would be healthier if weekends didn’t exist

unemployment jokes don’t work

nobody puts baby in the dumpster

"i'm the least racist person you know" pleaded the most racist person you know

please fill out your basic information but I'm like "mfer my name, date of birth, address and phone number ain't fukn BASIC"

Flo from Progressive doesn’t need an apron to sell car insurance

my Bitmoji is more attractive than me

everyone needs to go to therapy

maybe six feet isn’t so far down

blind stock trader sees return on investment

(metaphorically speaking, of course)

you automatically turn 40 when you tuck your t-shirt into your jeans

kid napping at playground

napping as in sleeping btw

if you’re blind and got offended reading that blind joke, you’re not blind

wait, that kid wasn’t napping!

marriage is just about finding somebody you can get fat with

kid’s dead.

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